I was recently involved in an Instagram battle with a vendor who tried to get away with scamming me by threatening me (if you’re reading this please report @balloonfairyng as a scam) so I thought to myself “Seems like you have too much free time on your hands. Maybe you should finally write a blogpost”. Well, here I am. Tadahhhhhh!!!! Did you miss me?
On some level, I’ve been running away from writing. I haven’t written a single thing since August and while we know I’m a tad inconsistent with dropping blogposts, I’m never inconsistent with writing them. I have just been in this fog where all that resounded in my head and heart was that my uncle was dead and never coming back until the trump of God. However, I didn’t want that to be all I spoke about so I stayed away.
Staying away was not easy, I assure you. I did not even drop my usual birthday post. I wanted to but I almost did not know what to say. However while rereading my favourite blogpost I’ve ever written (God still has sons- https://osidipeoluwalolope.wixsite.com/beyoutiful/post/god-still-has-sons), I found the courage and strength to write again. My gift is too amazing to be hidden and my light has to shine on all men. In a nation with epileptic power supply like Nigeria, that’s not too hard 🤭
I have had a weird year to be honest. A painful, happy and weird one. I started my year (birthday) with high hopes. By the time my next birthday was to come around, certain things were to be in place including the love of my life. I detailed all my plans in my birthday post (https://osidipeoluwalolope.wixsite.com/beyoutiful/post/it-is-the-7th-of-november-and-that-can-only-mean-one-thing). Looking back now, let’s just thank God for life.
The devil tried. Boy, did he try. I had the most emotionally draining year I’ve had since I last had clinical depression. So many things tried to steal my joy but truly, it is not a function of the circumstances around me but a fruit of my born again spirit. Despite all odds, I had the happiest year I’ve ever had . From having to wear my big girl pants and end things with the love I thought was for my life to my uncle (who in actuality was my father) dying suddenly and the shege CAC showed me with trying to register my charity organisation, it felt like I could barely catch a break. On some days, it felt like my lungs could not get enough oxygen and were burning up. Truthfully, this year was an uphill battle. I fought for my peace, sanity and joy and while I came out on top, I had some nasty injuries. Like I said, let’s thank God for life.
Anyway, in the spirit of accountability, I thought it wise to update you on the plans I highlighted last year for my birthday. No, you didn’t ask and might not even care but let’s do small amebo about me for a change.
Therapy: Guys, after fighting it for years, trying in 2020 and dropping out halfway, I started and completed therapy. Gosh, it was hard. I cried after almost every single session but it was so liberating. The tools I learnt there have been employed every single day of my life ever since. I feel so liberated, happier and I am not sure I would have been able to gracefully go through this year without all I learnt about myself in there. It no longer feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world in my chest and that is one of the best feelings ever. Having the best therapist I could have possibly found made a lot of difference in this difficult journey of mine. She made me feel so welcome and gave me so many assignments (bruh!!!). Truthfully, therapy is rewarding, humbling and freeing. I honestly believe everyone should try it out. If you need the details of a great therapist, look no further. Let her know Lelo plugged you o or else!
Have the hard conversations: Euuuu! I remember saying “If they leave as a result of you communicating your hurts and emotions, you’d be fine”. Welp, I had no idea of what I was saying back then. If you took my advice, sorry about that. You see, I lost four close friends this year and they are still very much alive. Turned out that me enforcing my boundaries and asking to be treated better didn’t sit well with the version of me they wanted. Well, I’m still standing so I guess it was worth it in the end. Anyway, it’s okay to walk away guys. If the ships capsize, let it and just swim ashore (Ermmm this means you must know how to swim).
Self kindness: This was the second thing we dealt with in therapy and I cried oceans of tears this day. The words I heard broke me and built me right back up so I’d like to share them for someone who is struggling with the same things I did especially due to childhood trauma.
The first step to healing is forgiving yourself for the things you’re holding yourself accountable for and the things that were not your fault but you reacted to. You were a child and the individuals supposed to be protect you did not. How then were you supposed to act better? The only reason you are calling it “better” is because you now have new information that has shown that. At that point, it was self preservation. It was not the healthiest thing to do but it was your best at the time.
With new found life comes with a lot of regret. Because you have found a love that is redeeming, you become so self critical. However you need to say to yourself “I condemn you not”. You need to see your past actions as self preservation. You already have Someone that has said that to you but for the voice of doubt and guilt to be silenced, you need to say those words to yourself.
Preserving yourself was you looking for love because it wasn’t there. You were lost, betrayed, abused and abandoned. It is time to extend yourself some grace. Now you know better and you’re doing better. To move forward from all of the baggage, you must see that you were just trying to save yourself.
That little girl (or boy) deserves your love and acceptance. Battles that were too much for a little child, she fought them. Anytime you think about her, I want you to echo grace and kindness to the little girl inside you that wants to be seen and acknowledged. I want you to say “I condemn you not” to her. It is important and cannot be overemphasised that you recognise yourself. Not everyone dealt with and handled what you did. You were a child and you ought to have been taken care of.
Those words began my healing process. I have been kinder and more loving to myself than ever. I hope it helps you kickstart your own journey too.
Stop with the scarcity mindset: God rewired my thinking this year. Now my mindset is that of “12 baskets full”. You know how He fed the 5000 (excluding the woman and children) with a boy’s meal and they had so much leftovers that filled 12 baskets, that’s the same thing I experienced this year. It was surreal but it happened. My Father owns a thousand cattle on the hills. I cannot be in need and not get supply. I keep thinking of how to share this testimony in a way that will not make people ask if I’m a chosen member. I’m yet to find any. All I can say is that Abraham was in his bag when he said the name “Jehovah Jireh”.
Shrinking yourself: With some of the friendships that lost me, it seemed like I was wearing a love that had been slim fitted and I dared not breathe in it lest I popped buttons and blinded others in my vicinity. In all of this, I realised it was absurd and frankly stupid to shrink myself in rooms I had fought to be in and refuse to sit in front of a car that was mine because I felt undeserving. I shook that mindset off like my dogs shaking off their wet coats. Now, I OCCUPY!
Spoil yourself: Omo! E reach my turn and una gimme Tinubu for president. I did my best sha. That’s all I have to say on this matter please!
Let him in: The one you’ve all been waiting for. To the glory of God and shame of the devil, I’m just as single as I have been for the last three years. I have decided that since I’ve been unable to find my husband, you people will help me. If you’re a consistent reader of my blog, you know how I think and what I want in a partner. If you see anyone that fits the bill, tell him to text me on IG @lelo_vicks or you can give him my number if you have it. As for me, I’m tired and I no get cloth to use and find husband outside. Help me to help you to find my husband.
In conclusion, I did things I set my heart on and made myself so proud. I see my strength, resilience, kindness and I’m always in awe. I’m making all the people looking up to me, especially little Lolope, proud. I’m shaking the world postively, helping people and looking so fly while doing it.
With all of my strength, happy birthday Oluwalolope! You inspire me to be all God has called us to be. You do things scared but get them done regardless. You are passionate about your beliefs and would definitely fight to make sure you’re heard and respected. You support people including strangers and you have one of the largest hearts I’ve ever seen.
I love you, I’m so proud of you, I’ll stay cheering for you the loudest.
Welcome to your best year yet and please for the sake of God, stop fighting in public.
Have an awesome year my absolute favourite human!
P.S: Just incase you’ve forgotten, I still need you to report this page as a scam. You can check for the full gist on my page (@lelo_vicks). However, please click on the link and report these thieves and scammers.
The steps are REPORT —> SOMETHING ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT —> SOMETHING ELSE —> POTENTIAL SCAM
Thank you!
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