Valley of Aijalon 🌕🌗🌘🌑

For my Bible scholars, you most likely have an idea of the direction of this post. For those who might not get the reference, just stick with me. You’ll get it soon enough.

In the book of Joshua, we see some ghen ghen action happen, but one of particular interest was when he asked for the day to be elongated so he could win a battle. The moon was to stand still over the Valley of Aijalon and the sun over Gibeon. As a child, this story fascinated me greatly. It brought me such joy every time I remembered it. Sadly, this post is not a joyful one.

On the 3rd of May, 2024, my day stood still. I searched for the sun, and while it showed its elegance in the sky, it failed to warm my heart. Something in me had shrivelled up and died. I immediately began to experience such a cold bitterness, and it seemed like icicles had begun to grow in my heart like Anna from Frozen. Late that afternoon, I lost one of the most important male figures in my life in such an abrupt manner, and I just couldn’t understand how or why I was to move on from the point I was standing. My world lost its light.

Well, it’s been a year and those who said time heals all wounds lied. I don’t see how time can heal this wound in my soul. It’s the kind that scabs over, waiting for a moment, any moment, to open up bleeding again. The kind that’s always sensitive to touch, but you learn to deal with and avoid situations that cause its flare-ups. It is like those aching joints that hurt more during the cold seasons and always tell you when there’s a change in the atmosphere. Time truly does not heal nor dull. You only learn to live with the constant pain and hide it better. The source of grief is never finite.

I wish I could tell you how unaffected I’ve remained by this event, but that would be a lie. I have become hardened, and the value of communal relationships has reduced drastically in my eyes. I have gotten to a point where, while I’m not expecting to lose certain people in my life, on the occasion that I do lose them, I’ll be fine. I’ve lost more friendships in the past year than in several years combined, and truthfully, I do not see anything wrong with that. I’ve also lost my knack for keeping in contact and checking in with acquaintances. I’ve had whiplashes of emotions, bouts of annoyance and have mostly lived in indifference. I have broken into Darey’s iconic “Not the girl” more than once while thinking of who I am. In my eyes, I am “the girl whose uncle died”.

While I know that he is in my future and I’ll definitely see him again because I have eternal life, the feelings and pressure have not gotten easier. For 365 days, I haven’t heard him call my name or say anything to me. I haven’t gotten a single message from him as opposed to the daily 3 am messages I took for granted. I haven’t seen him like I did most weeks in the year. Truthfully, there’s a Deji Soneye-sized crater in my heart, and it’s threatening to swallow me up.

Who knew that tears could lead to blindness? As a child, I was taught that tears moisten and clean the eyes. Imagine my shock when I found out that frequent, hard and prolonged tears could actually lead to loss of vision over time, as this weakens your eye muscles. After celebrating that God healed my vision, here I was about to lose it again. I still cannot find it in me to care.

This post has no happy ending, so if you’re expecting one, feel free to stop here. This is a rant/explanation for how Lelo lost her groove. Maybe one day I’ll be Stella. Maybe not.

Anyway, happy one-year anniversary of the day my heart was completely pulverised, stomped on and fed to wild dogs. Happy, or should I say sad, one year anniversary of the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire existence. We live to cry another day, or whatever it is they say. Toodles!

Uncle Deji, they say you’re gone. That you’re no more and I’d only see you at the trump of God. I do not believe them. I see you in every knock at my door, every early morning message I receive, every elderly man with white beards in a suit, every picture of yours that graces my watch screen, every whispered news I tell you in the middle of the night while I’m lying on my bed and every time I’m being petty to someone. I see you when the Sunday School children do their Thanksgiving and the Guild of Stewards go to take communion. I see you everywhere, every day and feel you always in my heart. You’re a part of me. One that will transcend generations. I love you so so much. I miss you much more. I hope heaven is all you wished for. Earth is not the same without you.

— Oluwalolope 💔