Single Again 🥴

Recently, when asked about my relationship status, my go to reply has been “I am single again”. As usual, my friends burst into laughter because though it’s a serious issue, it’s still very very funny and the truth is, I cannot blame them. My relationship life is ComedyCentral material and Tiffany Haddish would play my character perfectly.

On this episode of Life of a Professional Single Girl, I would be talking about my latest entry into the trenches and why I am actually proud of myself for being on the streets once again. So you don’t get confused about the details along the line, I was dumped. I got a very beautifully crafted “it’s not you, it’s me” message and I would be sharing it with y’all incase you wanna use it. Tbh, e dope. This is going to be an exposé but kindly refrain from asking me stupid questions or dropping two cents that cannot buy anything. Just tell me you’re proud of me and waka pass. Kappish??? Good!

About two weeks ago, I reached out to my then partner (lowkey this kini sweet😌) once again explaining that I was not comfortable with the quality of our relationship and I wanted us to work on it. Initially, he went on about how I should end things if I felt I was settling but as the sweet babe I am, I did my utmost best to explain that me speaking up was so we could work on things together rather than end them. I spoke about what I felt was wrong from my end and you know Lagos men na. He did the whole “I don’t know what to say” thing for a few hours and after feeling all shades of defeated, I told him to let him know when he knew what to say. He glossed over my words and moved on to “how are you and how was your day” and along the line, he started talking about how I should end things because I deserved better.

Initially, I was confused and I read my messages over and even asked him if that was what he understood by my plea for better and his reply was that he was projecting his feelings. It was at this point I got upset. I spoke about how unfair the relationship had been to me, demanded for a better one and asked if he was in or out. He screamed, shouted and spoke about how he was so in and it was full speed ahead from then. He went on about how he would be a better partner and he was sorry about the past. The only problem with that speech was I had heard about 15 variations of it in the past so I asked what his plan was to do better and that was when the ball dropped. He said he had to let me go because he was bankrupt emotionally and he had seen that he was the problem. At this point, I couldn’t even be surprised. I just chopped my L and left. (He came back to beg like 4 days after but that’s not the bone of contention sha).

Prior to this relationship, I’ve always been that person that subconsciously believed that love wasn’t true if I didn’t suffer (let’s call it work hard) for it. I believed that love had to come with trials and tribulations (Passion of Christ lite) for it to be strong. I later found out from a psychology book Women who love too much that based on my relationship ,or rather lack of one, with my biological father, I had convinced myself to pick situations that mirrored the one I had with my dad in hopes to win their love so I could finally feel worthy of love and that it was not my fault my dad was majorly absent in my life. Crazy huh?

I would always stretch myself thin and literally suffer for love (Assistant Jesus for the win💪🏾). Because I knew that some of the things I was doing for these men were a total no no, I wouldn’t even speak to my friends about them because if the tables were turned, I would beat them up for even thinking of such and suffocate them with so much love until they realised that they deserved better. I constantly tried on love that wasn’t my size. It was always a few sizes small and I would squeeze myself into it until I had bruises and could barely breathe. Then love would rip at the seams and end up beyond repair at the tailor’s.

Truthfully, I should have left this relationship a while ago but I kept convincing myself that rather than the red flags I was seeing, it was a jolly carnival. I told myself I was being impatient and I was a gold digger. I reminded myself that if I left this relationship, it would be my third breakup in three years and my friends would never take me serious in terms of my love life. Truthfully, that one na their papa business but as they don Dey send me cake and food these last few days, I no too think am. I actually had a lot of “what would I tell my friends” moments and my friends should actually feel betrayed about that.

Thankfully, I was able to break free of these chains and demand for my #5for5 (What do we want? END SARS!!!!). I was able to see that I was settling for less than bare minimum and ask for an upgrade. I was also able to take the breakup in good stride and realise that what was coming was better than what was gone. I was about to see the breakup as a blessing that enabled me prepare space for my Ajebutter22 and Falz marriages (I’m not sure who I love more these days so I’d have both please).

Anyway, I hope with these few words of mine that I’ve been able to convince you and not confuse you that:

• Never ever settle. You deserve to love wholly and be loved same in return and you’ll definitely get it. The love might not be from a human sha but e no matter. On that note, I have puppies for sale. HMU!
  

• YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WALK AWAY. Most people, especially women, do not hear this enough. You are allowed to walk away at any time from situations that are not serving you or are toxic. You deserve to be in love with someone who complements your life in a way that makes it better. Don’t be emotionally bullied into accepting less than you deserve. Don’t convince yourself with statements like “you’re doing/asking for too much”, “your expectations are too high”, “you have to focus on the potential”, “stop rushing”. You are not obligated to wait. You don’t need to wait to be noticed. You don’t need to wait for someone to finally come to the realisation that you’re what they need/want. You don’t need to wait for someone to get their life together and be what or who you need. You are allowed to walk away when you’re getting the short end of the stick and if anyone says otherwise, cut them off. (Summary of a twitter thread by @signmybeauty_).

• You are not a superhero. You don’t need to be everything for everyone at your own expense. You are not responsible for the adults in your life. Pick yourself over and over again. That Wonder Woman can take a hit doesn’t mean she has to.

• Your friends would love you unconditionally even when you think you’re a hoe or you’ve had wayyyyyyy too many relationships under your belt. I no Dey hoe sha but yeah, they will still love you irrespective of it all.

• Know your childhood traumas and work hard to break free of them. It would be really hard. You would cry for days and be severely touchy but it’s worth it.

• Normalise telling people that they did great and you’re proud of them when they leave hard situations, relationships (platonic, familial or romantic), jobs or even their childhood homes. I understand that as humans, our first instinct is to understand situations so we ask for backstories but chances are if the person isn’t telling you what happened without you probing, they most likely don’t want you to know at that moment. I know I am guilty of this too but we need to firstly learn to be a safe and welcoming space for people before proceeding to look for gist.

• Kiss someone new. It helps put a lot of things in perspective 👀👀👀. Essentially what I mean is, take time off to regroup but don’t stay down for too long. Put yourself back out there. Your love is waiting eagerly to find you. I need you to understand that you have to kiss a few frogs but not all of them will turn to princes. Someone will remain amphibians forever. Still, never let that deter you from your quest for true love.

Well I’m back to the trenches yet again. I’m absolutely dreading the whole talking stage thing and opening up to yet another but we’ll see how it goes. Maybe las las, na arranged marriage I go do because someone of my social standing and calibre cannot be doing “what’s your favourite colour” at this time and age.

Till we meet again! You sef root for me this time 🙄