Once again, #MeToo 💔

I made a new friend through my blog and ever since, I’ve been consistent. I’m tempted to stop talking to him because I need to go back to my previous ways of one blogpost per month or even two months.

Also, if you’re dating a writer or you have one in your life, thread with caution. They will use you as content without remorse.

There was this #MeToo movement that made waves a few of years ago on social media and it entailed women coming out to speak on their sexual assault/harassment situations. Reading those stories initially was nerve wracking for me as it made me reflect on harassment situations I glossed over for the sake of “peace” or “embarrassment” and the assault situations I experienced.

In my line of work, I encounter a lot of sexual assault survivors and/or stories and I remember how my partner in 2020 would constantly check in on my mental health and exercise a lot of worry concerning potential triggers. Bruvvvvv, it is brutal on most days but we stay fighting regardless. I once had a debate with a friend of mine where I was giving him the statistics of the number of Nigerian women assaulted yearly. He vehemently refused to believe and told me that the number was a gross inflation. I tried to explain that it was underreported as that was the number of known/reported cases and not the total number of all incidents. He called me a liar but his epiphany came a few weeks later and he apologised while being super appalled at the male gender. Sadly, I had a trigger yesterday and I decided to document it rather than gloss over it like I usually do.

I went to the gym last week Friday and after a quick look around, I realised my gym partner wasn’t around (sincerely if anything happens to me, hold that Tolu of a girl). It was going to be another day of going home alone. My gym is at the Casino part of Alagomeji (for those that are familiar with the Lagos Mainland LGA) and when going home, my friends and I walk to the Alagomeji bus-stop then board a means of transportation from there. Sadly, streetlights aren’t a primary necessity on Lagos roads as far as our leaders are concerned and that portion of the road is usually quiet. The women that need to pass that route from the gym either follow someone driving or go in numbers as there’s security in that. Sadly, last week, THEY ALL DID NOT COME TO THE GYM AND I AM GOING TO KILL THEM WHEN I SEE THEM.

I was walking fast paced like I was going to battle, holding my gym bag as close to my body as possible, not pressing my phone, facing oncoming traffic so people could account for my safety on some level and praying under my breath that I didn’t get raped, mugged, kidnapped or even worse. All I wanted was to get to the bus-stop and heave a sigh of relief. I walked past a couple milling around and practicing lovina and for a split moment, I was grateful to see another woman on the road. A few steps ahead, I encountered a gang of 5 men wearing Ankara probably headed to the party happening a street over (I could hear their Fuji music) and I gave them a wide berth, increased my pace and moved closer to the road. Next thing, a couple of them came closer to me and one yelled as he was approaching me that I should practice smiling a little. At that point, I shut down mentally and almost broke into a run as I couldn’t get to the bus-stop fast enough. The guy saw my response and was trying to follow me then one of his friends told him to leave me alone and thankfully, he did. All that was playing in my head was “I should be thinking of smiling when I’m just trying to stay alive???”.

These things happen way too often and we shouldn’t accept them as the norm. As a child, I had to steel my mind and stiffen certain parts of my body when walking through certain areas because I didn’t want to be catcalled or toasted. I remember the sigh of relief and “Thank God” that usually followed on the days I got nothing and the panic that I experienced on the days I did. As a university student, I remember looking for spare change to enter campus cabs because I didn’t want to walk in front of certain male hostels (New hall boys really deserve to be clubbed over the head). I remember how I’d plug my ears and turn up my volume to the loudest on days I had to walk past these hostels. I remember casually walking to my hostel after a class one day in 2015 and a random guy in my faculty that I had not ever said a string of words to telling me “The day I’ll f*ck you is coming and it’s coming soon”. I refused to leave my hostel room for days after this because it seemed like a rape threat to me. Like from where to where? The day I finally left my room to see my then boyfriend at my hostel garden, this same guy was there waiting for me and still had the audacity to tell me “Is that your boyfriend? Does he make you cum? I will make you cum”. The funniest part, as I discovered later, was that this man was in a whole ass relationship. I could probably write an entire book series with the amount of sexual assault and harassment that I have faced, witnessed or heard about.

You see, once male allegations of sexual assault come up, men are so quick to shout “not all men” and talk about how different and better they are. Some even see it as an excuse to detail how most Nigerian men were first defiled without their consent by maids or older family members. I am not condoning sexual assault towards any gender but it would do a lot of good if these talks are not a response to allegations by women. I sympathise with you. I hate that it occurs. However, that it happens to both genders is not a basis for overlooking such a violent and wicked act.

On some level, we women know that not all men are involved as we have certain people that do not dabble in such acts but we cannot exclude anyone until we can account for all of the men involved. Sadly, this can only be done when these situations arise and the prayer is that they are farther in between. Men also need to understand that because they do not treat the women in their lives (friends/family members) with cruelty but treat strangers with such does not exonerate them. Even men who have stood by and watched other men treat women in these ways and done absolutely nothing to stop them are also part of the problem and the men we bash.

I’m not going to talk too much today. My dear men who will read this post, I need you to do a few things for me. I need you to step in when you see a woman being abused/harassed or caught in an uncomfortable situation. I need you to be a safe space for ALL the women you will encounter. I need you to give women a wide berth when you see them walking alone. Please just leave them alone. Do not give unsolicited advices on their facial expressions, body language or walking pace. I need you to respect personal space and boundaries when talking to women. I am pretty sure that women have functional ears and can hear you without you touching them or adding yourself to them like an attachment in an email. I need you to not pressure women (yes, even your sexual partners) and understand that NO MEANS NO. I need you to not use your position or influence to get “favours” from women or refuse them help. I need you all to be better people and also importantly, speak up when you see the wrong things happening.

My darling women, I need you to understand that you do not need to shrink yourself to accommodate these men. If anything, be bolder and louder. The predators count on your silence and use it to corroborate their actions. I need us to always be on the lookout for other women. If you see something, say something. Do not let a woman take a drink you saw spiked. Help drunk sisters. Look out for children in distress. Feel free to ask men to recite an unconscious/drunk woman’s phone number (and even call it) and name before taking her out of a bar, club or party. Trust your gut. DO SOMETHING! Please!

Dear humans of this world, be kind and sensitive. Do not listen with the aim to poke holes in someone’s story or experience. Do not ask useless questions like “what were you wearing”, “what were you doing in his house”. Let your sense so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Be helpful, a safe space and always say prayers for people in distress.

Hopefully this doesn’t happen to anyone reading this but just incase (or maybe you come across with a recent abuse survivor who wants to get justice), these steps are every important:

• Remove and preserve all clothing worn at the time of the attack in the natural state (no washing please!!!!!)

• No baths! Don’t even wash your hands.

• Go to any primary health center for evidence collection. For Lagosians, contact DSVRT or Mirabel center for evidence collection. They will most likely refer you to a PHC but will take up your case from there by alerting the police and processing the evidence pro bono.

• Write/Record a detailed account of the attack. Include distinct features of the attacker. I know that this will be the hardest but it is needed before the response to trauma sets in.

• Most importantly, remember that it is not your fault and the only cause of rape is rapists.

I am fine. I will do my best to not walk alone at night. I will continue to stay safe. Thank you guys for loving me.

I stand for una gidigba.

Not only am I dishing out a video today. I am also adding a song recommendation. Such a gracious king for real. You guys are so lucky to stan me.

Song recommendation: Ordinary people- Cobhams Asuquo