Long Distance 💔

About a week and half ago, I had a nasty paintballing accident. My face was all shades of messed up. I had a huge swelling which later spread to my eyes and after about a week, the swelling was finally gone but I had a faded bruise on my forehead. Right now, there’s just a hint of my accident. If you don’t look close enough, you would not exactly catch it. This is exactly how I wish emotional bruises were to be very honest.

With emotional bruises, you can have a childhood incident and that will manifest into an emotional trauma that will last all through your adult life. I’ve been in a large amount of pain for a while. The pain in me as I’m writing this is still quite an amount but thankfully, it’s a lot better than when I wrote my maiden post on this blog. I remember a friend asking me sometime ago when I would finally be fine (like pain has an end date🙄). I could only tell her that I also wasn’t happy with my situation and I was doing my utmost best to get past it.

I recently stumbled on an amazing artist(well not really stumbling cos my friend Richiie practically sat on my head and forced me to listen🌚) and I did this pact to listen at least one new song per day from his discography. So far, he has absolutely no bad song. I have listened (and I’m still listening) to songs from when he was 17 and I marvel on how emotionally mature his music is whether recent or not. It’s the kind of music you can vibe to that has content still. His name is Jinmi Abduls.

So I picked a new song today and the title is “Long Distance”. I had no idea I was about to meet my new favourite song. After clicking on the song, I was about to change it immediately but the first words he crooned kept me enchanted. I continued listening and the next thing I knew was moisture on my face and after a while, moisture coming out of my nose too. It was closing hour so I stayed back at work to bawl my eyes properly and get myself in some semblance of order before leaving for home. Despite taking my time to properly cry, I was still a blubbering mess all the way home. If you entered any danfo from Obalende to Yaba and you saw one girl with dreads crying profusely, I’m sorry. It was most likely me.

You know how you get physically hurt, go through the initial pain, start healing and stop feeling pain a while after? Why can’t that be the same with emotional pain? Why can’t I be able to show my scars a few weeks after with no atom of pain whatsoever? I want to be able to press my heart and shake my head in the negative when asked if it still hurts. I want the pain and panic I feel every time I see a reminder of him to be nonexistent. I know I say “give time some time” whenever people ask how long emotional hurt is supposed to last for but why does it have to be this way? I feel so so broken right now. I know some days it feels like nothing ever happened but I hate the fact that it takes one incident, one sentence, one song, one post and I’m all shades of messed up again. I know that I’m a little better than I started and that alone is monumental progress but I want it all to end.

I guess all I’m saying is I want it to be able to say “I’m fine” when asked about my well-being and truly mean it.

P.S: Totally unrelated but you all should listen to Jinmi Abduls. The fact I’m raving about him everywhere should mean something. He is totally amazing. I don’t even need to tell you a specific song to listen to. He has absolutely no bad song. Not even in the slightest. Make sure you listen.