In the twinkling of an eye, the most important person in my life became a stranger. I cannot exactly say I was faultless but I have backtracked a couple of times and every single time, I fail to see how my little quirks led us to where we are right now.
At first, I was numb. After we decided to go our separate ways, a casing of ice sprang up and covered my heart. I was fine, laughing and smiling. The few friends that knew kept calling and texting despite my pleas. The more I spoke about it, the harder it was to breathe. One moment I was laughing, the next I was numb and in shock. Every single time I spoke about the fallout or faced a reminder of him, a chip of ice fell off from my heart. Chip by chip, piece by piece, my heart was beating again and when the last piece fell off, the waterworks began.
It took one song. A song I saw a couple dancing to for their first dance on Instagram. I fell in love with it, downloaded and my first listen found me bawling my eyes out. It was a spiral downwards from that moment. The song had strings of joyous melody accompanied by the crooner telling his significant other how much he loved her and he begged her not to let go. That was the trigger. The not letting go.
To me, the greatest decision of love is choice. Choosing that person every single day despite the hurdles, challenges, arguments, quirks and what not. Going through every struggle and still remaining there by their side even on days you don’t particularly like them. That is the ultimate kind of love. It’s not just about the gifts, the romance or speaking their love language. All those are important but choosing to be and remain with them despite it all, that’s love.
There are so many things I wish to say to him. So many moments I want to go back in time to relive. So many wrongs I wish to correct. So many things I wish for. One more kiss. One more touch. One more day. One more date. One last moment. Too many things if you ask me. Sadly, if wishes were horses, beggars would own ranches. I can go on wishing forever but that’s all they are going to be. He’s not coming back.
For now, I’m going to live in the moment. I will stop dwelling on my “what if” and “I should have”. I’m going to go on dates with friends, take pictures and have lots of laughter. I am going to meet people and make new memories with them, not to replace the ones I have with him but to remind myself that everything in life is but for a short while. I will live, laugh, learn and when I finally meet someone worthy of my heart, I will not be scared to start over. I will be armed with enough experience and life lessons to take on that journey and become better for it.
To the one that loved me, I have tried consistently to see things through your eyes but I guess I’m somewhat myopic. The preconceived idea of how things were meant to be and turn out was what made the pain unbearable all these while but I’m learning to let go and forgive you. I don’t understand still but I’m past the stage of trying to. In life, somethings are better left unsaid and some situations are better left unceremoniously. I really just want to say thank you. You came into my life at an all time low, invested so much love and time in it and left when the ovation was the loudest. I’d forever look back, see a camouflage clothing, or hear your name and smile. I still thank God for you and I pray for you always. I hope your road is forever smooth and if we cross paths in future, I’d be armed with a sweet smile, kind words and a huge hug. I really wish you all the best.
To that person going through the worst kind of pain and is looking at the clouds wondering if things are ever going to look up, I don’t have all the answers yet but I’m still searching. All I can tell you is to put one foot in front of the other at every waking moment. Just keep moving. Even when you feel like crumbling from the pain, move. One day you’d look back and realise that you’re far away from that situation that broke you. I’m forever rooting for you. Also, it’s very okay to cry.
To my perfect, the most important person in my life (I learnt the hard way), my Mrs Me, my anchor, the amazing woman writing these words, I see you. I see your struggles. I see your fears. I see your tears. I see every panic attack, every sleepless night, every fake smile and every I’m fine. I see it all and I just want to tell you that you’re doing amazing. Your best is good enough right now and your best in a couple months will be even better. I’d always be here picking you up when you think you cannot stand. I’d be cheering you on every accomplishment. I’d be giving you mental knocks when you mess up but above all, I’ll love you much more than any other person alive can. You are my essence and there’s nothing I’d do without you. I’m forever rooting for you. You are doing it! Now wipe those tears and go kick ass❤️
Give me this ticket. Ewo ni weray gan??😭
The accuracy of this post. At the beginning, you tell yourself you can power through, but every moment that pass, every day, that wall begins to crumble. Then one day, your heart is exposed to all you built a wall to protect it from. The waterworks, the overwhelming emotions, the endless would haves and regrets.
We therefore owe it to ourselves, to pick ourself up, mend our hearts and hope to relive the love without the hurt one day.
Thank you for finding me ,a way to express myself in words...deep words
People belong in your life by natural vibration, not forced will or expectations. Relationships won't heal you, neither will being single kill you. How a person reacts to your Sadness says a lot about how long they'd be in your life. All we get is time and choices, please be wise with both. You've entered a where everything will start to go your way. It's time. You've had enough lessons. You did the work. You overcame so much. You believed even when it was hard to. You never gave up. You push through it all. Now is time to receive in major ways. To Everyone in this phases, you're BEAU(YOUTH)FUL, sending you love and light. ❤️
Gọzie
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