Interrogations, Explanations and Diagnoses 💭

There is a trend going around where people are asking their friends why they think they are single. I have watched quite a few of them and even sent a response at a friend’s request. Some of the responses are hilarious. Some are surprisingly insightful. Some are so brutally honest that you can almost feel the friendship ending in real time. However, every time I watch one of those videos, I think the same thing. Absolutely not!

You see, I will not be asking my friends why they think I am single. This is not because I don't love my friends or value their opinions. It is quite the opposite actually. The reason is that I know them but more importantly, I know myself. There is a very real possibility that I would receive an answer that would offend me so deeply that I’d spend the next three business days unpacking it, examining myself, and wondering if the friendship is worth it. I am simply not interested in that kind of personal development at this time. Why will I ask a question I already know will hurt my feelings???

Additionally, what exactly am I expecting my friends to say? That I am amazing, beautiful and accomplished but I just haven't met the right person? That sounds like a perfectly valid response, but unfortunately, one of them would pause for too long. Another would say, “Do you really want me to be honest?” and that sentence alone would end the interview. Whatever comes after that is almost certainly something I can live my entire life without knowing.

Maybe they think I'm too picky.

Maybe they think I'm intimidating.

Maybe they think I don't give men enough of a chance.

Maybe they think I overanalyse.

Maybe they think I am too independent.

Maybe they think I have unrealistic expectations.

Maybe they think I don't put myself out there enough.

Maybe they think I am simply unlucky.

Maybe they think I am waiting for a man who doesn't exist.

Honestly, I don't care. I don't care enough to sit down and conduct a focus group on the subject.

In a broader sense, the trend has made me ponder why we are so uncomfortable with things being unexplainable. It seems we always want neat explanations for things we deem messy. Someone is single or unmarried at a certain age, changes careers, doesn't want or have children, moves back home, or chooses a completely different path from everyone they know, and we immediately become detectives, wanting to know why and breaking out our interrogation techniques. We assume that because things are not as we expect, there must be an explanation. That there must be something beneath the surface that, if we examine closely enough, will make everything make sense.

Sometimes, life is just life, and that is okay. There are so many situations that don't require a diagnosis or understanding. Sometimes someone is single because they are single. They haven't met anyone. They met people but didn't like them. They liked someone who didn't like them back. They were in a relationship and it ended. They haven't been looking. They have been looking and it hasn't worked. They are taking a break. They are focused on other things. They are waiting. They simply haven't found what they are looking for. There are so many perfectly ordinary explanations that don't require us to identify a personality flaw.

Concerning myself being single, I don't need my friends to assemble a panel and present the findings. I know there are things about me that could make a relationship difficult. I am not under the illusion that I am the easiest person in the world. I have preferences, opinions and strict boundaries. I can be extremely particular in my way of doing things, and I overthink several miles per second. I am sure there are days when whoever eventually marries me will wonder what exactly he signed up for. However, I don't think every character flaw needs to be connected to my relationship status.

Unfortunately, I am not looking for someone who will simply tolerate me. I want someone who understands me. Someone who can communicate with me. Someone who can challenge me without diminishing my abilities. Someone whose values align with mine. Someone who wants the same kind of marriage I do. Someone I can actually build a life with. Perhaps that is why I am not particularly interested in the idea of “fixing” whatever it is that apparently keeps me single. What would I even do with the information I uncover? Start editing my personality?

“Apparently I'm too independent. Let me become slightly helpless.”

“Apparently I ask too many questions. Let me stop having thoughts.”

“Apparently I have high standards. Let me lower them until somebody qualifies.”

I don't want to become a more universally dateable version of myself. I want to become a better version of myself, and those are not the same thing. I don't want to lower my standards so that more people qualify. I want to have standards that actually matter. There are things I can compromise on, but character, values, how you treat people, how you handle conflict, how you view marriage; those are not areas where I want to practise being “less picky.”

Sadly, a lot of the advice given to single people is not about helping you find the right person. Most times, it is about helping you find any person. I really believe we have forgotten that being single is just a status and not a personality.

“Just give him a chance.”

“Maybe you're being too selective.”

“Don't rule him out so quickly.”

“Sometimes you have to compromise.”

“Maybe you need to be more open.”

“Maybe you should go out more.”

Maybe I should. However, I am not interested in compromising my way out of singleness. I don't want to be married so badly that I become willing to negotiate with things I know matter to me. I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation about why I am still single than an uncomfortable marriage because I was too afraid of being single.

I’m not going to act like it’s all rosy. Sometimes I hate that I have to wait. I hate watching people around me move forward in their love stories. I hate that someone I once thought was nowhere near ready is now married with a baby, and I am here congratulating them while quietly wondering what exactly is taking so long. I hate the occasional feeling that everybody is moving and I am standing still. I hate the questions. I hate the assumptions. I especially hate the unsolicited analysis. But, I don't hate my life, and I don't hate being single enough to accept just anybody.

I can want marriage and still refuse to rush into one. I can desire companionship and still enjoy my own company. I can sometimes feel lonely and still know that loneliness is not a good enough reason to choose a life partner. I can wonder when it will happen without deciding that something is wrong with me because it hasn't happened yet.

So no. I did not ask my friends why they think I am single, and I probably never will because some wounds do not need to be self-inflicted. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I have things to learn and things to work on. More importantly, I know that being single is not evidence that I have failed at life. While everyone else is asking for the brutally honest truth, I will be here, minding my business.

Love will find me, and when it does, I know I’ll meet someone whose presence in my life will make me understand why none of the other people worked out. I will get the kind of marriage I have been unwilling to settle for. While I wait, I am not going to turn my singleness into a group project.

“I'm single because I'm single” will remain my perfectly satisfactory explanation until there is a status update.

Thank you!