As Important As Moist Red Velvet Cake 🥺

This is probably as up close and personal I’m going to get on this blog (we all know that’s a lie as my blog is all sorts of memoirs about my life but let me enjoy that false truth a little more).

So I found out a few days ago that I suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of all the bad relationships I have found myself in at points in my life and the damages I have also caused to others. I have gotten to the point where I am so scared to be in love and that alone is scary.

Prior to this, I was the girl that loved with everything she had. I loved fiercely, vocally and publicly. I wasn’t scared to show or tell how I felt and was even rumoured to be a professional lover girl. I loved so hard that it could actually be my full time job. I loved with my finances (if I got all the money I have spent back, who be Dangote?), time (if only I used the time spent in loving to learn how to be a mechanic, I for don dey repair rocket sef) , words (Shakespeare dey learn how to write love letter near me) and sense (ode ni mi mehn). It didn’t work out so many times but I kept trying over and over again. All I wanted was one person; my person.

If you ask my friends to describe me, there would be a lot of “loving”, “annoying”, “ride or die”, “amazing listener”, “selfless”, and “smart” thrown around. My friends would probably gush and tell you that I’m the best thing after microwave ovens. On some days, I believe that but if I was asked to describe myself, the words used would be eons away from theirs. I would use “sad”, “scared”, “stubborn”, “defensive”, “mood swinging”, “unstable” and “broken”. I know my friends are shaking in their boots, about to be keypad warriors and defend my honour. Guys, REST! I am fine.

Currently I’m in a relationship with the most amazing partner ever. I really wish I found him a few years ago but I guess we both had to do a lot of growing to be who we are now. Well, on most days I am convinced that I am the world’s worst girlfriend and I really wouldn’t blame this man for leaving if he did. You see, all my previous relationships have done quite a number on me and I am a lot cranky to him. My mood swings are back and in full force. I can be having such a great time with him one moment and in the next moment I am upset/angry and wanting to go to bed. Every question asked sounds like an accusation in my ears and I get real defensive like a mama bear protecting her cubs. I can go long hours without any form of communication if he lets me (he doesn’t 😭😭😭) and I do not want any form of physical intimacy (even kissing na war). My man told me from our initial stages how he wants to be loved. He wants to be showed off with regular words of affirmation. Do I do those? Well, I can explain 🌚. There are probably a lot of other things I do wrong but let’s leave matter for Mathias.

It’s not like I do not love him; I really really do and getting to be Mrs Red someday would make me really happy - but I have been tainted by past experiences and I don’t know how to show/be in love anymore. I have healed from them but how well?

I feel the whole healing process is something we really don’t talk about. People tell you to heal from what hurt you so you don’t bleed on those who didn’t but you don’t get tips on how to heal properly. I get that healing isn’t the same as keeping your red velvet cake moist but it is just as important.

You see, after every hurt you face as a person, you create a coping mechanism that helps deal with the pain. Something to heal your wounded soul. Most times, these mechanisms have their side effects but at that point, all you want is the pain to stop. Well, the pain stops after a looooooonnnnggggg while but then you realise “I’m not the girl I used to know, I’m a shadow of myself” and you totally relate with who Darey was singing about.

It’s sad and it makes me wonder; "Is there a proper healing process that keeps one’s soul intact? One where we can still retain our childlike wonder? One where we don’t question our judgement or mental capacity when making decisions? One where we learn to laugh/smile/love/trust as we first did?"

If there is, I would love to find it because I am drawing straws and falling short.

P.S: Happy National Boyfriend’s Day to all my boyfriends both home and abroad. Thank you for sticking around and reading the blog. I love you loads. Send your babe money na 🥺🥺🥺